anni05's Diaryland Diary



"you are always welcome to visit or sleep over. life is too short" she had the nerve to write in a birthday card it is well beyond obvious by now I didn't want. always the victim. life IS too short. that's exactly why I'm doing this. I don't plan to spend whatever amount of life I have left permitting you to treat me whatever way you choose and then tell me you did nothing wrong.

she also wrote "I love you" at the end and I about vomited. do you know, that is the second time she has ever said those words in my life. the other time was also in a birthday card. really cute when every choice she has ever made told me the exact opposite. I shouldn't have even opened the fucking card, but I was curious. thankfully at least this time she didn't bother trying to send me a check with it.

this, along with using literally all of my immediate family members including a 10-year-old to talk to me because I blocked her number last year is borderline harassment. but this is what narcissists do. I'm shocked my sister hasn't told her to go fuck herself yet, but then again they have always ganged up on me no matter what, including the time my mom decided to have my sister hide a communal towel from me because she randomly decided it was "hers" and I wasn't allowed to use it.

all that's ever in my head is all the abuses I endured in that house. all the weird, fucked up, petty-ass shit they did to me because they resented my existence. I cannot continue to live with her in my life, return to that house when it was only a reminder of the suffering I was put through for no reason. and I know in her mind this is because of a stupid picture I didn't want displayed. that's a frustrating thing about abusers. they don't want to look at themselves and how their actions affected others, so it's more comfortable to say their victim is ridiculous and overreacting to a tiny little thing. in reality, it's always simply the last straw.

I can't say I'm better this way. we all wish that our parents would just love us. it's never gotten easier knowing that she never has. that when she looks at me, she doesn't see a daughter or even a human being--just a parasite. as if she wasn't the one who made the choice to give birth to me. and I'm always going to be scarred from having her as a mother and my sister as a sister. childhood trauma seems to live forever.

7:43 pm - 06.06.21


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