anni05's Diaryland Diary



I'm hurting so badly. my mood swings have gotten worse. I looked up borderline personality disorder even, but I determined it's probably not that. I think the depression I've had for most of my life is just getting really bad again. it doesn't help that I've gone through such awful shit lately. I'm on edge and feeling completely alone and completely out of control of everything. I'm just so tired. how cruel that people like me are just forced to continue going on like this. how cruel that suffering exists. it isn't necessary for growth. it just isn't. its sick. I've spent my life feeling like I don't belong here, like I was forced to drop onto earth. I've always hated it here, hated being human.

I keep thinking about the words of stephen fry in an interview where he was asked what he would say to god upon meeting him: "children with bone cancer, what's that about? how dare you?" it's on my mind all the time. and the words on the wall of a concentration camp: "if there is a God, he will have to beg for my forgiveness."

3:14 am - 01.30.21


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