anni05's Diaryland Diary



lately i have been talking more to my last remaining friend from the past (every day, as she wanted me to re-download snapchat... i'd originally deleted it because no one ever talked to me). i visited her new house she has with her boyfriend and their son a couple of weekends ago and had a lovely time: there was love in the walls, in the air of their house, and i have not felt that in a very long time now. it didn't exist in my mothers house, and can't really exist here as i live alone. it was strange but nice. she has four cats and a dog as well. the cat that apparently doesn't really like anyone except for her boyfriend seemed crazy about me, going so far as to climb up onto my shoulder and sit for a while. me and my friend talked a lot and caught up on things but it doesn't look like we can just pick up where we left off being as close as we were. we barely know each other now.

anyway, i'm getting to a point now (as i always do in every single friendship i ever have due to most if not all of the friends i've ever had somehow being the type to secretly hate you the entire time--i have horrific luck, truly) where i'm starting to worry she thinks i'm annoying as fuck and wishes i would leave her alone. i don't think i'm entirely unjustified in this thought though, as she has in the past told other people as soon as i left, "i love her, but she wants to hang out ALL THE TIME." it should be noted here that this was a complete lie and she had been the one always asking me to hang out and i was merely saying yes, plus she used to barge into my house when she got out of school literally every single day (yes, without warning and as if it was her own home). it's stuff like that that makes me nervous about friends. plus how i was treated all the way through school by the other kids... it was clear to me from a very young age no one wanted anything to do with me and no one wanted to be anywhere near me. i literally still carry that. i can't initiate shit. i won't even talk to anyone that didn't talk to me first, which sometimes leads people to believe i think i'm too good for anybody. it's just that i CANT. i was brought up to believe i was nothing and i was disgusting and unwanted and i needed to stay far away from everyone to avoid the pain of rejection, because that isn't just a possibility, it's an inevitability because i'm worthless scum. i don't think i can even improve in this area. it's too deeply ingrained.

so it's difficult to make friends at all, let alone hold on to people (let's not forget that the rage from a lifetime of abuse and shitty friends has turned me into the kind of monster that will cut a person out of my life for... not all that much, anymore). i only make friends with the kind of person full of endless friendliness for obvious reasons. and the few friends i make are impossible for me to trust after everything.

so... tomorrow i will not snapchat her or contact her at all so i don't become too annoying, and let her talk to me when she wants to. because maybe now she doesn't want to. you know?

fuck. i'm so fucking lonely it hurts.

2:00 am - 12.21.20


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