anni05's Diaryland Diary



can you IMAGINE if social anxiety really was just cured/improved by going out in public more like my mother thinks LMFAO do u understand the reason that medication for anxiety exists lmaoooo i mean jesus fuck

it seems to have turned out that being in public all the time is ACTUALLY super damaging to my mental (and physical!!!) health lol! never mind that i've said "it doesn't work like that, it's literally a disorder" 348274 times. looks like you caused a lot of extra trauma to me over the years to punish me for having anxiety as if it were a personal Fuck You to you for no goddamn reason, mother.

you know what's super awesome though? i know damn well she thinks like this about me because of all that lingering resentment that i was ever born because of all the ~responsibility~

(sidenote: id like to state that my proof for this lies in every memory of my childhood i have. i was doing my own laundry at the age of 8--somewhat recently, my mom expressed that she didn't think my nephew was old enough to start doing that yet. he's 10. she also has always spent every free moment she can get in her room with the door closed. also as i've mentioned, she used to leave me and my sister (who is only 3 years older) alone with no money for literal days to stay at her boyfriends house. when i was 5 she had a live-in boyfriend that was physically abusive and once shoved my entire head really hard into my cereal bowl for making too much noise around 8 am. the only reason she kicked him out in the end was because she felt he was using her--zero regard for the safety of her own children, even though he regularly threatened to "beat my bare ass with a belt". ive done everything for myself much much earlier than any kid should ever have to learn to. this is a woman who it is clear as day should never have had children because she did not have the capacity to love us.)

i'm only a little resentful that she actually does love my nephew, aiden, when my sister and i were always nothing more than gum on her shoe in her eyes. only a little. it's probably because he's cuter. i get it though, because i love him too. i just wish i didn't have to end up this fucked up because she had to hate me for no reason. i wish i could have been loved by somebody growing up too.

4:15 am - 09.08.20


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