anni05's Diaryland Diary



back to work tomorrow after a week off. i'm dreading it. life's super fucking hard when you have anxiety ha. and the only reason i'm high-functioning is cause i've got no choice.

i keep thinking about how this weekend i was discussing my anxiety with my mom and she said "you're better now though" and i had to be like no i'm not lmao???????? you wanna think i'm better now because you wanna think going out more often cures your anxiety despite me telling you MANY times that isn't the case at all. you have an ignorant-ass idea of anxiety that makes it into a choice and turns me into some lazy asshole and you REFUSE to google it or EVEN FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. i'm not better. i'm actually WORSE THAN I EVER HAVE BEEN, because i'm going out regularly. you want to think i'm better because i go grocery shopping now but conveniently forget that the reason i go is only because you literally forced me to--you THREATENED TO STARVE ME.

i explained to her that people with anxiety very often don't look anxious at all because they have learned to live with it. i'm sure she'll forget all about that too, like absolutely everything i ever say (i'm not actually exaggerating), because that's how little i mean to her. then she's gonna pretend as always that she's never done anything wrong in her life, ever ,

3:52 am - 09.08.20


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