anni05's Diaryland Diary



it's been almost a year again. i'm sorry.

still at my factory job. i'm too worthless for anything else. i have an apartment two blocks away but still drive because walking home at midnight is terrifying. once was enough, with a man walking too close behind me the whole way, to tell me i was never doing it again. i carry a boxcutter my dad gave me when it's dark out but i still get scared outside, even when i'm just out there for a cigarette--a week or two after moving in, i was horribly sexually harassed by a guy that lived in the apartment directly next to mine. i told him in every way i could think of that i wasn't interested, but he refused to stop trying to get me to sleep with him. his inability to hear me trying to say no over and over was so scary, and i didn't sleep well that night. thank god he and his brother were evicted a couple of months later. it isn't pleasant to be afraid to leave your apartment because you might get attacked. in your own building.

other than that, i've lost about all my friends. just have one irl left who i never talk to and haven't seen in years. i have 80-something facebook friends because i keep deleting people. i keep getting betrayed by the people closest to me. ive literally reached the point with these last two where i know i will never be able to trust again, even a little. ive reached the point where i don't want friends anymore. every single time i start to trust someone enough to show someone what's really inside of me, they seem to decide they hate me. i wish i could understand why. i'm not a bad person. it just reinforces that awful belief i've always had, deep down, that i am truly unlovable. and i knew my life would be empty forever romance-wise because of what i am but i never thought it would be friendship-wise too. so i have been in a lot more pain than usual these days.

ive been extra suicidal, too. i made the plans and then didn't have the guts. that makes me feel shittier.

3:37 am - 08.03.20


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