anni05's Diaryland Diary



dear you,

it has been 2.5 years. we have officially spent longer apart now than being friends. and how sad is it that i still miss you, still mourn you as if you were dead when we were friends for maybe a year and a half?

i know that i felt connected to you. deeply connected. and i know that you only tried to feel the same. you only pretended because i was just a replacement for someone you wanted back.

i could feel it. it wasn't just that you collapsed into yourself and let the darkness take you, let it carve out your insides until you were a hollow shell. i felt the cold indifference. the dark was an excuse. you were so tired, too tired. too tired to keep pretending.

i could not be the one you loved, but i made the mistake of allowing myself to love you. for this, i am truly sorry. what a waste of myself. look at what i let it do to me.

and it was so long ago. but finally, i let you go. the heartbreak and the anger were tearing me apart and i couldn't live like that anymore. you were never going to stop hurting me anyway. you didn't care about anything. you were gone.

"maybe in a couple of years," you said, and i thought, "FUCK that." you sat there and asked me to wait for you to decide i was allowed to be in your life. i will not. i thought, if you don't want me here now, you don't ever deserve me again.

and how pathetic, how much i miss you all the time. two and a half years later! when you were so cold, when you hurt me so badly. how pathetic that sometimes i let myself wonder if you ever miss me too.

i know we will never be friends again, because i am smart enough to know that you will always continue on in your ways. you will continue to ghost me for months at a time, for a year, for longer maybe. you will continue to drink and smoke yourself into oblivion. you will continue to be unable to love or care or feel. im smart enough to know i can never allow it twice. and i hate that it has to bother me so much. because i will (unfortunately) always love you.

12:13 am - 10.21.19


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