anni05's Diaryland Diary



ive cried an awful lot today, and i'm not even quite sure why. it's really been a much harder day than usual, and that's saying something. a lot of it has to do with the fact that that woman who keeps putting her things in my work space before her shift starts came back again last night. just when one horrible thing seems over, another starts or comes right back. the universe will not let me rest and it really hurts. what did i do to deserve constant suffering?

plus, today at work i was told we would probably have tomorrow due to shortages of parts. i was really excited about it and thought, wouldn't it be wonderful if i could go grocery shopping before the snow comes? wouldn't it be great to be able to pick up my package at the post office during business hours, since i normally don't have the time? and to have all those hours to make all the phone calls i need to! and then later today i found out they somehow got the parts in (other lines and other shifts get a fucking break the last two days, but we never get shit) and we have to come to work tomorrow after all. i don't know why, but that fucking broke me down. the second i got in my car after work, i bawled for ten minutes. i still keep crying on and off. i'm just so tired of my life. i'm tired of having no time or freedom. i'm tired of battling my anxiety every second because it makes every mundane detail of life (down to the time i take a shit) so fucking HARD. life is absolute hell and i cannot escape it, not even for a day. it just hurts so fucking much.

i finally called for fmla for anxiety which, big surprise, complicated my life temporarily. i was supposed to get my supervisors work number but i was so wildly upset and unable to keep it together at the end of the day that that task went from massively daunting to unthinkable. so i still don't have it and i don't know when i'm getting a call back from them. so i don't feel good about finally getting this done. getting help for my kind of anxiety is the biggest fucking joke. i can't get help bc my anxiety makes it impossible to be able to. parts of it are so stressful and terrifying that i just can't.

i also finally blocked my mother's number today. she sent me two different pictures of my cats, which felt super manipulative. plus it made me sad because i can't see them anymore. now it's time to wait for her to change the netflix password. i should get my own anyway. i don't like her having a single thing to hold over my head.

2:39 am - 12.11.20


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