anni05's Diaryland Diary



i also would like to give a special shout-out to a memory that's been recently unlocked thanks to my job where all you can do is think while your hands do your work on autopilot: when i was a very small child, young enough to still allow myself to be vulnerable in front of my mother, and i apparently did something bad (as children will do, obviously). i looked up at her and said, "do you still love me?" and without sparing me a glance, staring angrily at the tv, she replied "not when you're like this."

i am used to having to defend myself at every turn, and i guess this is what i'm doing now. because i'm used to not being believed, i'm used to no one being on my side, i'm used to no one standing up for me, and i'm used to everyone always telling me i'm wrong and stupid and bad. so i'm always on edge and always defensive, always ready to fight. i'm tired of living like this. i'm tired of everyone always treating me like shit and forcing me to be this way.

12:26 pm - 11.27.20


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