anni05's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 148 A Few Minutes Later, I realize I have more to say all poetry that I write is usually kept on my phone, but it very rarely is originally written on the phone. I still prefer pen and paper by far, a phone keyboard is only for when I have nothing else. these poems that I keep on my phone are always in a folder called "sorry". different phones and apps, and this remains the same. also, today (or yesterday, technically) was the birthday of a very casual friend who never talks to me anymore. the post i left on his wall just said "happy birthday". no exclamation points, no emojis, no emotion. I only noticed hours later this is a thing I apparently do to make myself smaller. I go out of my way to pretend I feel nothing for others so they can't hurt me. I hold people at arms length without even realizing it half the time. it's automatic. and the weirdest thing is, I feel no need to change this. I've had truly awful luck with all kinds of relationships. my issues stem from the sheer amount of times I've been betrayed and hurt. I pretend I don't care about people so that they won't get too close to me and do what everyone who has ever gotten too close to me has done--realize at some point they don't actually like me as a person and continue pretending they do until they can't take it anymore and find a way to make me be the one to cut them out. sometimes it probably IS paranoia, but listen: this has actually happened to me more than once. the worst one was the person I loved more than anybody ever, who was my best friend for 6 years, every single one of my teenage years. one day he told me he hadn't cared about me in a long time. he only came online to talk to me, and i felt like a "chore" to him. I was business he had to attend to just to keep up appearances. he was a coward that continued saying that he loved me. he said awful things that he knew would hurt more than anything anyone else would ever do to me. there were people before him and after him that were such cowards they couldn't tell me the truth and let me believe I had people that cared about me, only to find out later my life was a lie. I'm sure this all sounds very dramatic and annoying, and me being that way is what makes people hate me. but this HAS happened to me more than once. it's a pattern. and I'm sure you can imagine that it would deeply fuck you up too. I don't know that I can ever get to a point where I won't be like this. people cannot be trusted, period. 3:40 am - 04.26.21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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