anni05's Diaryland Diary



yesterday I found old archived Facebook messages with an old friend (who happens to be my one in-real-life friend's boyfriend and the father of her child). we used to be pretty close. of course, we bonded over HER... she's done both of us wrong many times. so I reached out to him to let him know I still care about him and he can still always talk to me if he needs an ear--privately (and probably unkindly) I think he might need more than just her, especially considering the history there. we ended up talking the entire night off and on, which I didn't expect. we've always gotten along so well, though. we have a lot in common and have some similar traumas. we can understand each other in ways she can never understand either of us. he can see and appreciate me in a way she doesn't want to, considering OUR history. she is closed to me and I to her, and I think we can never really come back from the damage that's been done (her fault, though she'll never see it that way, because she's at this time still unable to see things clearly). but I still feel a strong connection to colton, and a strong fondness for him.

at the same time I felt like I was doing something wrong even though logically I know I wasn't. he's allowed to have friends, and she knows I'm certainly not interested in him in that way considering I'm pretty well gay. I think maybe it's the past creeping in, the stuff I'll never recover from that she did to me. the way she always was, the person it's hard to believe she can stop being. I'm always going to be on edge with her, wondering when she's going to blow up on me or accuse me of something completely ridiculous. I can't trust her, ever. so I'm weirdly worried about her being mad that I talked to him, and a lot more than I have to her in a very very long time (she always prioritized her own feelings and what was going on in her life, and I was never allowed to talk about anything going on with me because she felt she had it worse). it doesn't help that she hasn't talked to me at all in a couple of days. but oh well I guess.

12:18 am - 04.17.21


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