anni05's Diaryland Diary



I often feel like I have so much love inside of me with nowhere for it to go. I wish I didn't have such a huge block with expressing my affection toward friends, because I worry so much my touch is unwanted (childhood issues, unsure how to resolve) or that it will make people uncomfortable, maybe even make them think I'm interested in them romantically. that seems like a ridiculous concern but it has happened, and weirdly I feel like it's my biggest concern of all. I guess I don't want to be seen as someone who needs anyone in any capacity. I have learned that I do need friends and need to know that someone on earth gives a shit about me, but it's impossible for me to let anyone know that *i* care about *them*. and how can they show me they care about me if I'm unintentionally acting like they're nothing to me? maybe they have the same problem I do: being terrified to the point of paralysis they aren't wanted and will be rejected. it's so hard. I feel like I have to act like no one means anything, and showing otherwise is physically painful. It's honestly bizarre how thoroughly being the kind of loser in school I thought of in my head as "contaminated" affected me well into my adulthood, and maybe for life. I've always been painfully sensitive. ugh. sometimes I really want a normal life even though I know i just can't have it.

2:31 pm - 03.27.21


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