anni05's Diaryland Diary



yesterday I drove a guy in my building down to the local gas station for the second time. problem is it was the middle of the day again, and I'm terrified of traffic. there's a terrible intersection just next to the gas station that could easily cause accidents and I don't trust other drivers because most of the time they're selfish assholes that will do anything to be ahead of you, like ignore laws and endanger everyone around them. this guy I drove is very nice to me and everything but he isn't getting his license back until July. and now he's discovered I'm nice enough to drive him places. so now I'm going to be scared to go outside and smoke because he could ask me to drive him to the gas station at any time--and I don't like surprise trips. I have a need to be prepared for everything, including mentally.

I've always been people's fucking chauffeur ever since I got my license ten years ago. I always drove my friends around and when my (older, jobless) sister didn't have her license I was expected to drive her around and drop everything to do so. I was expected to always be available and I was yelled at when I dared to be out with friends (just an idea but maybe you shouldn't have let your fucking license expire? I'm not fucking responsible for you??). when she finally DID get her license after several years of laziness (and when I say several, I mean a lot of years) she expected to have access to my car at all times. she expected me to be the one to drop her kid off at preschool and be awake at 7 am every single day. she expected me to be cool with my nephew eating pop tarts in MY backseat and getting huge amounts of crumbs everywhere without ever once asking me, as if she co-owned the car or something. I've always been used for having a car and being a kind person who will always help from the beginning. and all that shit is coming back to me when I thought those dark times were over. I want my privacy and my peace. I'll never get it, will I? edit: this probably all sounds really selfish. it was more than just my sister and my friends I drove around all the time, there was also my mother's live-in boyfriend who wouldn't keep a job and always had something to complain about (it turned out he had no intention of keeping a job because he wanted to just live somewhere he didn't have to do shit)--i constantly had to take him to band rehearsals and his job of the week, sacrificing my own needs. because of him asking me at the last second as everyone always did, I had to no-show two therapy and med appointments which cost me over a hundred dollars and I was never able to go there again. his band rehearsals were always far away. sometimes he wanted to go to downtown Iowa city to a specific guitar shop and I always got lost, so eventually I had to put my foot down and say I'd never drive him to downtown Iowa city again. my anxiety can't take people suddenly asking me to take them somewhere with no regard for what I might need and without even giving me any gas money. there's also the part where in that time of my life when I was forced to stay in my mom's house because I couldn't afford the cheapest and shittiest apartment, I was being emotionally and verbally abused at every turn, having my own family purposely misunderstand my mental illness and frequently use it against me. so that adds to it being a "dark time." now that mom isn't in my life anymore, I don't ever have to go back to being treated like a bug to be squashed, and I don't like a small part of it returning to me.

12:27 pm - 03.13.21


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