anni05's Diaryland Diary



haven't had much to say. tonight, like quite a lot of my nights (and days) I'm feeling really lonely. deep in my soul.

I'd like to note here that I don't use the word "lonely" to mean sad that I don't have a romantic partner. I couldn't give half a shit about that, that's never what I've meant by that word. I just want to be very clear: my whole entire life is empty, not just my romantic life or wtf ever. and it keeps getting emptier. and as much as I need and want to be in my room alone all the time, sometimes (for some reason) I wish that I had love in my life--friendship love, I should also clarify. I wish that I were even physically capable of expressing outwardly to people that I care about them, but I'm not. all I can ever get myself to do is sit or stand there awkwardly while they wonder if I hate them and that's why I won't talk to them. it's why I can only really make friends with the people who are extremely friendly, because they're persistent. you have to be, with me. its the only way. otherwise I'm too scared of people to approach them.

I keep thinking about this guy who works on my line who's been there since before I started two years ago, how one day he showed me a picture of food that was from a restaurant someone he was close to must own, and I didn't know what to say so I smiled weirdly and then his expression dropped just a little like he thought I didn't care. this kind of thing happens all the time to me and I can't do anything about it. I'm very loving inside but my social anxiety is severe enough that I physically can't show it. it makes me really sad sometimes. I'll be told "just be yourself, no one's gonna judge you" or something similar but the thing is, I can't. I'd love to because maybe then people could love me. but I can't.

12:18 am - 02.22.21


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