anni05's Diaryland Diary



there was a blizzard today. I actually got texts from work that they were already declaring it a weather day, and it kind of sounded like most people must have called in. oof. I called in myself despite taking Monday off already. somehow I don't even feel bad about this one.

I also got a call from my works HR department telling me that they had received some returned mail due to an incorrect address which I had forgotten to change with them, so I went ahead and called them to change it today. I realized immediately that this means my mother went and returned all my mail that was being sent to her (oops). its a little bit laughable in a way because why was I so worried about her being hurt that I no longer want to put up with her emotional abuse? why didn't I see it before? of COURSE she's just pissed that I left stuff at her house, just like before but worse now because she's gotten it through her head that I'm not coming back to get it. she has never in my life cared about me. there were only brief moments a couple of times where she pretended she did in front of other people.

I'm out now. I have my own place and I can do things on my own, even if it's hard. I had been starting to feel trapped in spending weekends at her house as it was, since it was becoming clear that she was pretending to be a good mother now, not out of concern for me and how she has treated me my whole life, but to try to ensure I would be there to take care of her when she's old. fuck that. I was a neglected, unloved child that had to wash my own clothes and learn to feed myself while everyone around me including my teachers treated me like shit. I have never owed her a single fucking thing and she cannot trick me into thinking she's ever going to change or that everything she has done never happened. she cannot take advantage of my bleeding heart. I believe my sister doesn't want to be part of her life anymore either but unfortunately because of her son that's more difficult.

but yeah. I know what happened here. I left and got my own apartment after finally being able to afford one, and when the scapegoat leaves, what happens is that the ones left no longer have that buffer in between them, and so they were at each other's throats. then my sister left and due to that bitterness, my mom tried to make me the golden child. that is half the reason I did not like her putting my old senior picture up on the fridge with none of sister beside it. it is fake and ugly and it pisses me off. the second half is that she is well aware I do not like pictures of myself and do not like them taken of me, especially after I have already said not to (*looking at my aunt Karen who has always violated this clear boundary*). I don't like having to look at myself and it was on the fucking FRIDGE. where I had to see it every time I walked in the door. and every time it was a reminder of not only how disgusting I am but the fact that my mother does not actually love me and my face being up there was a complete lie. so much about that enraged me and the fact that she refused to take it down when I asked because it's "her house" was disgusting and abusive. no means fucking no. she has always thought that because she's my mother she's allowed to violate all the boundaries she wants and she doesn't have to respect me at all. that she can crowd into my space all the time when she knows I don't like that, that she can walk into the bathroom when I'm trying to take a shit, that she can come into my room without knocking (my sister did all of these things too, I've had a really cool upbringing and life in general, know what it's like being completely powerless all the time even as an adult?). I don't have to put up with ANY of it anymore. ever again.

this was very rambly, I'm sure, but I'm not going to go back and read it

4:25 pm - 02.04.21


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