anni05's Diaryland Diary



last night I left work to find a couple of inches of snow on the ground, which doesn't sound like much but to me nearly induced panic even though I live essentially across the street from the plant. I hadn't expected so much to come down. I'm terrified of driving in snow, even if it's a little bit. I'm terrified of getting stuck and having to find a way to get myself out while potentially being in other peoples way (the idea of inconveniencing someone that badly, even angering them, makes my throat start to close up), terrified of not being able to see the road and driving off it and becoming injured enough to have to pay hospital bills. shoveling is one of the worst things in the world to me but after having a job where I do hard physical labor 8 hours a day, its easier.

I live in iowa, have done my whole life, and I will never not be scared shitless of winter. the winters are brutal here. I know a lot of people who don't mind driving through half a foot of snow just to buy a pop and a bag of chips and I'm jealous of them. I wish I could be like them, but I'm scared of everything. everything makes me feel sick. it's no life.

I've been awake since like 730ish, 740ish after having gone to bed at maybe 3 or 4 am and I don't think I'm going back to sleep. it's my only day off, too, officially anyway. I might have to take tomorrow off because we have another snow storm coming in which is going to be 5 to 7 inches or something. I'll be taking that day off only two days before my last write up disappears, and a few days more before I get my personal days back. trust iowa weather to fuck things up at the last minute. but at least I won't get fired for it.

its just as well, because we had mandatory overtime last night and are scheduled to have it next weekend too... and maybe the one after that as well. I'll never stop saying it: mandatory overtime should be fucking illegal. we give enough of ourselves. 5 days is exhausting and time-consuming enough. you want more done, you assholes who sit on your asses in your offices all day can come down and do our jobs for a day. why should we be punished for things beyond our control?

always wishing this country didn't have a super fucked-up amount of importance placed on being productive and working. that's so backwards to me. everyone deserves to be able to survive, not just the ones who work 24/7. everyone has worth, not just the ones able to work. it makes no sense to me. why is everything about work? why is someone considered useless and lazy if they aren't working? why are people expected to utterly exhaust themselves, break their backs, shred their mental health, in order to be considered worthy of being alive? why are humans not allowed to enjoy their fucking lives?

I don't feel like I'm ever expressing what I'm trying to say correctly. I think this culture of workworkworkworkwork and don't you dare complain is wrong. its so hard for me to just live the way I do now, 40 hours a week. thats so hard for me. but I do have fairly debilitating anxiety. I just want some fucking peace and as long as I exist in today's world I can never have it

8:41 am - 01.24.21


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