anni05's Diaryland Diary



up at 3 am bawling my fucking eyes out over a personal problem that's too personal to share even if this were only being seen by me (as i have severe trust issues due to bad people throughout my life that read my diaries and invaded my privacy and told my secrets, plus there's such awfulness in my feelings about it i can't even write it down). again. another super intense breakdown about the same thing. how it makes me a freak, unlovable, a complete fucking waste of a human being. how i just can't figure out what's wrong with me or why i've always been this way, hard as i try to. how i've tried for several years to fix it but i just keep causing more emotional trauma to myself. but i have to fix it otherwise i'm worth nothing. and how it doesn't even matter for other personal reasons (which takes a long time to explain anyway, especially since 100% of the time people are annoying and dismissive as FUCK about it and go "that's not true, you never know what's going to happen" shut the fuck up, it's called free will you fucking tool and i CANT CHANGE HOW MY BRAIN WORKS). so why am i trying? what's the point? what's the point of fucking existing, because i fail to see any fucking good in doing nothing but suffering and nothing ever getting better. anyway literally if i mention i'm going to die alone it's not going to be welcome for you to tell me i'll find someone someday. that's going to really piss me off. you are dismissing my feelings/opinion, something that i am entirely sure of and didnt ask for your fucking input on. stop saying that to people. especially when you're fucking rude about it. but really, just don't say it at all. it's not cute and you aren't helping. but maybe that's just me.

3:20 am - 11.30.20


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