anni05's Diaryland Diary



found answers. mother and sister are both narcissists and i am the scapegoat sibling. ive always noticed that dynamic, ever since i was a child i was aware of it. there is always a scapegoat. it's almost always been me. which is why i say ive been abused much much more than my sister, even if she likes to think it's the other way around (laughable--does she think i don't remember her beating me until i was 13 or 14? or getting her mean friends to bully me every day for fun? or leaving me in the woods as a small child because it annoyed her that i was afraid to jump over a stream and she didn't want to help me?).

the reason for the scapegoating, i think, is first of all because narcissists need one. also, they always treated me unbelievably cruelly for having anxiety, never had an ounce of empathy and instead only ever cared that THEY felt embarrassed (like the time we were at a family gathering and i suddenly felt overstimulated and overwhelmed and started having a panic attack so i went to the garage for the rest of the night, and when i tried to talk about it when we got home my mother walked away from me in the middle of my sentence like i was nothing). a disability can be a reason someone is scapegoated. part of it could also be i'm an easier target bc i'm usually passive, although not anymore after all this. i'm also very different from them. i have empathy where they aren't capable of it, and i have very different morals.

i'm aware that i'm annoying. i have to live with these thoughts days after day with no one to tell them to and no one to validate or comfort or hug me. i'm the loneliest ive ever been. it's funny: as a child i was much more independent and didn't feel lonely much. but then, i used to have friends.

2:30 am - 11.15.20


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