anni05's Diaryland Diary



sorry for posting so much today, i'm so horribly anxious today because it's my getting-shit-done day and now i'm doing it alone. i might make my diary private again. i just have nobody at all to fucking talk to, it's pathetic.

anyway, i'm still trying to gather the courage to go down to the basement of the apartment building to do my laundry. i'm worried about so many things even though they're all stupid. what if someone wants to do their laundry and has to wait for me (one of the worst things for me is being in someone's way)? what if someone's stuff is just sitting in there and i have to take my whole basket back up? what if it's out of order? what if it takes me like ten minutes to figure out how to use it like at the laundromat because i'm stupid? i don't know the layout of the basement and one apartment is down there and i'm going to feel like i'm fucking trespassing even though i'm not and DHKFSYBXSGK. this is my thought process and it's chaos and even though none of those things make anyone else nervous, for me it makes my stomach churn and my hands shake and i can't stop it. i can't logic my way out of it. this is anxiety.

i always feel like i have to defend myself about my fucking mental illness because so many people (usually my family) don't understand it and won't try to. i can't even tell you how many times i've been treated with absolutely scalding disgust for this kind of thought process, and i still don't understand why they find it so offensive. you must know that it's a disorder and i can't help it....

6:43 pm - 11.14.20


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