anni05's Diaryland Diary



despite my entire world suddenly being upended, i found today that joe biden has won the election. thank god. so there's one good thing.

ive got my day planned out, after spending hours at work yesterday thinking. i'm going to the grocery store in the nearest town which has good reviews, and getting cash back to get quarters (i may be too shy at the register to just ask for quarters, as i don't like to inconvenience anyone, and they may not give me any anyway). i think i will probably go to the laundromat in my hometown tonight to do laundry. maybe next weekend i will do it here at my apartment building, if it is not occupied. i worry so much about getting in people's way even though i know it's unnecessary. most people don't think about that like i do, ive noticed. i don't want to believe most people don't care about others but it may be true. maybe it's just where i live. maybe it's just my anxiety and a lifetime of specific abuse that made me extra considerate of how my actions could affect others' lives or feelings.

i'm not going to miss my mom and this new adventure could be fun, finding myself brave in going into this new world and having no choice but to say fuck you to my usually crippling social anxiety. my mom is exhausting and always wrong and always completely missing the point of everything--she's one of those that will forever be on the wrong side of history and refuses to believe she is anything less than perfect. she voted for trump in 2016 and praised him until only recently when the pandemic hit and he fumbled the fuck out of everything. she opposes blm and said kyle rittenhouse or whatever the fuck his name is shouldnt have been charged for killing people at a protest because she clearly thinks some fucking buildings are worth more than human lives. she's also against gun control even though it's proven successful in other countries and she doesn't even own a fucking gun and never has. i'm sick of having to explain empathy to her only for her to say something stupid the very next week. so that's not a loss. what does hurt, very much, is that i will never see my sweet cats again. they won't understand why i never came back. that's the part that makes me cry when i think about it.

but i'm not surprised by her choice. since i was born she has always chosen everything else over me and my needs. a soap opera, her boyfriends, a cheaper price. now she has a picture but lost a daughter. i hope she's pleased with herself. i'm starting to think she's even more of a narcissist than my sister. good grief. wish me luck, anyway.

11:59 am - 11.07.20


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