anni05's Diaryland Diary



this morning i woke up to my mother texting me one of my school pictures from when i was a little kid and i got mad and told her i don't like pictures of myself and to take my senior picture off the fridge. idk why i didn't say that before, considering it's pissed me off since she pinned it up there as if she ever gave a shit about me. it's ALWAYS about her--she wants to create the illusion she's a great mother and has always loved me and has never done anything wrong in her life. she wants to pretend those years of abuse never happened. and she's doing that because she has some ridiculous idea in her head that she's going to die soon when she's only 55--seriously. every time she mentions it, which is every fucking saturday that i'm there, i have to restrain myself from rolling my fucking eyes. i'm probably going to die before she does, let's be honest.

i'm sure my sister said something to her before she left about not wanting as much to do with her anymore. so now mom wants to make me feel like i owe her something by pretending we're buddies now.

ive been furious about it for months. why now, when i finally have freedom to not be yelled at for using the dishes or eating the food because i'm fucking hungry? why now, when i have my own shampoo and can't have it unexpectedly hidden from me for no reason? all of a sudden you want to make me think all that shit never happened? you want to make it look like you'd never do or say the awful things you did and said? people don't just forget things. i want so badly to be independent from her. i'd miss the cats, though, and would have to use a coin-operated washing machine that i share with my entire apartment building... ugh.

10:46 am - 11.02.20


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