anni05's Diaryland Diary



cried myself to sleep and then cried half the morning because i have no choice but to go back to work today since if i take another day off i'll be fired, and i have nowhere else to go. if i lose my job it'll be back to my moms, back to being emotionally abused and gaslighted and starved because she will assume once again i'm trying to take advantage of her "kindness" (not something she said out loud but i know that's what she thinks, as if being a mother is something she gets to stop doing the second i'm 18 and after that i'm nothing more than a leech). back to bad sleeping patterns and being criticized for it and told i'm just lazy rather than trying to escape the abuse while being unable to deal with how shitty my life is. she's always been so willfully ignorant, and i know it's because she can't bear to have an ounce of empathy or compassion for her own kid. and i know THATS because she hates me and always has. some people should never have children.

i looked up disability and since i'm pretty much fully functional despite the fact my life is a living hell every second and it causes multiple health problems all the time which causes even more anxiety, i will NEVER be able to receive any help. ever. god, those of us that are "high-functioning" are fucking invisible. we can't get help, we can't be believed, in addition to the awful suffering. i'm sick of everything. i thought maybe if i stayed alive there was something good waiting. there never is. there's only ever more hurt. i'm so tired. i'm so goddamn tired.

1:19 pm - 10.08.20


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