anni05's Diaryland Diary



this job has changed me. it's the first full-time job i've had, even if in my last job i sometimes ended up with 60-hour work weeks. this is the first job where i have had no choice but to go in every day of the week. i cannot mentally handle it and i don't know why. i don't know what's wrong with me that it's a genuine challenge to get through the fucking week to the point where i was told to my face if i missed one more day i'd be fired. it's too much for me. it's so much stress. it's killing me. my suicidal thoughts are at an all-time high. i spend whole work days sometimes fantasizing about my own death. having no time to myself or for anything else has thrown me into a much deeper depression than i let myself even believe. but more and more i am realizing that i enjoy nothing that i do anymore. even if i'm playing games i used to love i can't relax and get into it, i'm just going through the motions. i'm no longer capable of a single happy thought. it's harder to get to sleep a lot of times because of it. what i used to call the "magic" (essentially just seeing the beauty in things around me) left around the age of 25 and it's been downhill from there. i thought i could make it better but it only got worse. and it can only ever get worse now no matter what job i try to get. i can't escape the capitalism that is slowly suffocating me.

i don't know who i am anymore. i really don't. this job has taken all sense of that. it's taken everything from me.

2:21 am - 09.13.20


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: