anni05's Diaryland Diary



today it is finally friday. today is also music day at work, which gives me the tiniest bit of happiness. they finally started letting us play music while we work for one day a week and not just on mandatory saturdays, which for over a year we never had. i asked my team leader once why they didn't allow us to have music every day, since in my opinion it would boost morale--assembly line jobs are monotonous, painful, exhausting and depressing. he told me the company thinks it's too distracting or some bullshit. maybe someday we'll get to have it every day.

also, i paid my electric bill (which in summer months is my most expensive bill by far), my rent check came out a couple of days ago, and i should still have more than plenty for groceries. so those are the good things.

tomorrow i have to wake up an hour earlier than usual though, which is terrible because on saturday mornings i already typically have only gotten 2-3 hours of sleep. i'll have to try really hard to make myself go to bed earlier. i have an appointment at 9 am at the mechanic in my hometown for an oil change, rotation and a ~weird noise~.

i hate being an adult. ive been an adult for ten years and i'm still not fucking used to it. life is absolutely not worth living and i don't understand people that actually think it is. makes no sense. ive seen people lately because of covid going "is life worth living really? i have fallen into a depression" and i know it's shitty but i can't help internally rolling my eyes because welcome to my brain for my entire goddamn life, are you just now getting it? in addition i, unlike you, literally have no support at all. no friends, a family i can't talk to because they can't stand me having real human emotions and issues, and i can't ever have a significant other because i'm a freak lmao. but go off!!!!

i suppose a lot of my bitterness comes from the fact that anytime i ever try to express something like that, nobody has ever given a flying fuck. nobody says a fucking word to me and i'm left to deal with everything alone. nobody cares about someone like me until they're fucking dead. maybe you should give a shit about something other than yourself sometime! just because i'm not conventionally attractive doesn't mean i'm not fucking human or i don't matter.

1:18 pm - 09.11.20


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