anni05's Diaryland Diary



i'm so fucking lonely. all the time. i don't have any real friends, certainly none i feel i can talk to about anything. i'm scared to let anyone see the real me now. after everything that has happened. after all the best friends it turned out couldn't love me for who i was, once i gained the courage to show them. that fucks with you. why am i not worth loving? what's wrong with me?

ive been very confused, too, about my mothers sudden willingness to act like she loves me. now i've moved out, i matter to you? NOW you want to help me, want to listen, want to give me things i need even though i've learned not to ask? it's wrecking my head. this woman, from pure resentment of me having terrible anxiety and still existing near her, once told me i was no longer allowed to eat the food in the house because i hadn't paid for it and insisted that wasn't abuse and she wasn't doing something evil to her own daughter. this woman hid the shampoo and conditioner from me without warning or explanation so i had to wash my hair with body wash for a while, because apparently she hated me that much. this woman would take my sister and nephew out to eat weekly and sneak out the door so i couldnt come or yell at them for once again treating me like an animal, as if i deserved it for the crime of being mentally ill. i swear she thought i was like that on purpose just to take advantage of her, disregarding that i had a job and always paid my own bills and made my own appointments because i HAD to and i never asked for shit. but now she wants to treat me like a human being? the only thing i can figure is she must be doing it so i feel obligated to take care of her when she gets older. fat fucking chance. my dad told me when i was a baby he came home to my sister opening a can of cold green beans for us to share while my mother sat on the couch watching her soaps. she'd leave us for days with no money when i was 7 or so to stay with her boyfriend so she could forget she had children she couldn't stand the sight of. around the same time, she once choked me against a wall for being a dumb kid that thought i was being funny by listening in to the tail end of a phone conversation (that's a repressed memory i only remembered recently). she ignored me when i told her my sister was physically abusing me when she wasn't there. she has neglected me literally my entire life, not ever even hugging me or saying she loved me. i don't owe her a single fucking thing.

10:24 pm - 08.29.20


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